Please Stop Writing About Vampires and Zombies

As an author, I wouldn't want to deter any other author from writing about what she or he enjoys writing about most. It's your passion, and you have every right to let your muse take you wherever she, or he, leads you. But I'm beginning to feel my fist tightening every time I hear about a new vampire or zombie book (or movie). I want to punch the face of the next author who writes about them so hard that blood will drip off their lips like the demons they write about. (They'd probably like it.)

It's just that, well, the vampire and zombie genre needs to come to an end. BIG time. It's well past the "beat a dead horse" stage. It's so over done, so over talked about, so over featured, so over glamorized, so over over that it needs to just get the f*ck over so the world can move on to better things.

Last month I walked into our local Walmart and shuffled on over to the book section: that lone aisle—usually next to the discount DVD bins—that features books ranging from best sellers to romance, spiritual, and young adult. Mix in a few books on Amish life and titles for our Spanish-speaking residents and that pretty much sums it up. It's slim pickin's. Here are two titles that I noticed still touting the vampire genre.

I wish the book on the left was titled "The LAST Vampire Book." Praise the Lord!

First of all, I just don't understand the continued fascination. Biting and drawing blood is so mid-1990s (or 1800s, or 1600s). And zombies always seem to sloth around at a turtle's pace. I could order two Big Macs, eat them, and listen to an NPR segment before they'd reach my car window. I am not afraid.

I get it—authors know that vampire and zombie books sell. That there is still a market for them. I even had a person come up to me during a book signing for People Who Need To Die who specifically asked if any of the stories included zombies. I told him they did not. He purchased the book, but requested that I write in the dedication, "Enjoy the book, Zach. Sorry there are no zombies."

My beef is, shouldn't authors attempt to break new ground with their work? To be inventive? To not sell out? To use their imagination to create better things, better worlds, better stories?

If killing is your forte, there are much better ways than bloodletting and gnawing of flesh to off a person. I came up with a ton of tactics in People Who Need To Die. Like the sorority bitch who trips over a pylon in a newly paved parking lot at night and Graumans herself into the cement. Or the rap thug whose rogue car drives him to a parking spot known to reach scorching temperatures when the midday sun reflects off the nearby mirrored building like a magnifying glass. They found him sizzled in the front seat with his hands molded to his face like Edvard Munch's painting, The Scream. He bit the dust without anyone biting him.

I'd add Vampire Authors to my list of victims in More People Who Need To Die, but then I'd be breaking my own oath. So if you're an author, I am begging you to stop writing books about vampires and zombies and the apocalypse. I know I said I didn't want to deter an author from writing about his or her passion...but I lied. I'll deter and hope you detour around that tired nonsense and gift the world with something better.

I know you can do it.

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